The version of a family from a child's point of view is vastly different from that of an adult, as it should be, but when does it change, and does it always evolve realistically? Children need parents, they essentially keep them alive; feeding, clothing, warmth, etc. It’s obvious. As adults, we all (most) avoid family gatherings, seldom telling our parents the truth about what we have really been up to, we tend to share a filtered version of ourselves with these people who have been making sacrifices for us for decades. (Disclaimer - I am in my 30’s and live on the opposite side of the world to my parents and have done for many years. My version of family is not conventional.) I find those around me who frequent their parents’ house weekly only share a portion of themselves with their biological family members. It’s not odd or unusual until you realise the people we choose in our lives know the innermost workings of our every decision.
"I wonder if there is a technical term for these various stages of change in an adult’s life, and if there is a level of exposure to new ideas that would be quantifiable to an individual being well-rounded"
Think about family for a moment - If you knew that in your 20’s or 30’s you would likely start to look at your parents differently, (we all did/do/will) and see them through your (very likely) more mature eyes, (we do have a deeper understanding of impacts of childhood experiences these days) and that this view would make you feel a differently towards them, (they made some mistakes, obviously they’re only human) would we put as much weight on their importance, credibility and opinions throughout the early part of our adult relationship. Or is this the change that degrades the relationship during this time of individualisation? With a little bit of space, we can grow. With no space, we will morph into our surrounding elders. (And no one wants to turn into their parents. Not even they did.)
Choosing your family
It’s true you cannot choose your family as a child, but you can, kind of, as adults. We hit a certain age (normally when we start to live outside of the family home) and we all start to surround ourselves with people that add value to our lives, challenge us in ways that make us feel good, heard, or valued and hopefully make us happy. (Well, that’s the hope - if you are a well-adjusted human. Some of us surround ourselves with people who make life more complicated at first, some normal levels of rebellion are to be expected.) The same experience cannot be found in the household where you once had your diapers changed.
It would seem that as old people get older than the validation of their opinions. (Traditionally, older generations stop learning and evolving, getting stuck in their ways. Quite often, having a few outdated opinions to share.) Young adults may go through a similar moment of change. They either get stuck in existing surroundings (and those opinions of those around them) or they reach, explore and grow with others. People who can offer you a differing point of view. (Some would get all of this from the Uni / live away from home situations.) I wonder if there is a technical term for these various stages of change in an adult’s life, and if there is a level of exposure to new ideas that would be quantifiable to an individual being a well-rounded young adult or equally, an up-to-date senior. It wouldn’t be the same age for everyone, it would be as and when they are ready to fully form and trust their own ideas. And, before I assume that this is a stage that everyone goes through, some adults do morph into a younger version of their parents, staying in that form for the rest of their lives, never evolving into true individuals at all. Psychologically, this change is when an individual finds their own identity. (Or as with older people, when they hold onto their identity.) There is a similarity between those who get to resist this change, either as a young adult or as a senior.
This change within yourself likely gave you space to find your people, or I hope it did. Did you create your own non-bio family made up of people you choose to be around, and if so, how often do you appreciate these people? This chosen group of individuals will come in and out of your life but to know that they’ll always be there when you need them - as a biological family but without the forced family gatherings. Just know if you do not have a family (in the conventional sense or the non-bio sense) you can always create one. You can find your people at any time of your life - you don’t need to share a dorm or a girlfriend to have them be a big part of your life. And even though one is plenty, you can never have too many people that you consider family.
"Communication and boundaries are essential"
If you already have these people in your life when was the last time you reached out? When was the last time you really appreciated your companions for all they offer you? In the non-physical sense, you belong to something, are part of something and they love you for who you are. Unconditional love is not exclusive, it can be found in many forms. When did you last ask each other - what do you need? Are you ok? Are we growing together? Do we make each other better? What maintenance does our relationship need? All relationships need maintenance, work and checkups.
After establishing a more independent identity, with a tribe of people, it is normal to look at your biological parents differently. I do wonder where the balance is, they are after all always going to be your parents, a level of respect should be maintained (assuming they were normal-ish parents) but there is a struggle, and it is common. My family is no exception, the acceptance that you don’t need them in the same way as an adult can be hard for them to come to terms with. It can hurt them and when moving to the other side of the world they will very likely feel abandoned. This would degrade any relationship.
How to be parented as an adult?
When you're a child - parents like to be your barometer for all your decisions, in fact, let's be honest you need them to be. But expecting them to let go of this, just because you think you’re all grown, isn’t as easy as it sounds. If they’ve been engaged in your life, they’ll want to be consulted on decisions probably until you're married, or have children of your own, or maybe even - forever. This can be annoying, but it’s a management problem, not necessarily a family problem. You can either consult them only on things where their views will be helpful, hiding other topics - this is not a long-term solution. Or you can work with them to find a way for them to be included without them thinking they're weighing in on a topic is an invitation for them to make choices for you. Communication and boundaries are essential, especially with overbearing parents.
The reason this topic is one of interest to me, is well, after moving away from my parents at 22 I quickly learned that I was an individual, alone and separated by land seas and about 7 billion people. And although it’s what I wanted and needed, they felt abandoned and after years of us all making the wrong assumptions from both sides of the planet, the relationship has degraded. I suppose I wish I had known how to better handle the change into adulthood and independence when I was a fresh-faced 22 year old. If we’d known how to manage expectations and open communication we may all be better off. It’s fairly unlikely that you will have the distance in the mix - trust me it adds a few layers of complications. But the nuts and bolts would be the same in any of these situations. Change is change and some will resist more than others.
The secret is to communicate, set boundaries and share some proximity whenever possible, the more regular the better. Even family gatherings have their place. Reach out to your non-bio and bio family as often as you can, they each have their parts to play in your world. It’s up to you to carve this out.
